Highland Heights Ohio Patrolman Mark Joseph News & Screws
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The Patrolman Joseph Gift Shop Is Now Open!

Thanks for stopping by the PATROLMAN Joseph gift shop.  Due to many requests, we have contracted with a local  manufacturer to produce the finest in Mark Joseph items and apparel.  Show your commitment, comraderie, and lack of any moral standards by showing the world what an asshole PATROLMAN Mark
Joseph really is.

while combing through jeanne tesar's abandoned storage unit we found this timmy pitts cedar point midway sketch that was made when the fledgling lovers were trying to keep the schtoinking on the downlow. we now offer this limited edition print to the public. 
be the first (and last) to own print 1 of 1!

timmy pitts limited edition cedar point midway sketch $1.99

want to make sure you score some boibooty at the next bar mitzvah,  pinewood derby, safety town, or f.o.p. kiddie christmas party?  soften your target and show them how it's done with the matt mole demo dolls.  beloved by kids of all ages (including 14 year olds), sesame street's bert and ernie will show them that yes, it's OK for the nice policeman to give them a reachunder.  tested by mark joseph hot tub labs, these dolls are sure to be a hit...and help you to hit that boibooty too!

matt mole demo dolls (set of 2) $29.00
matt mole demo dolls (set of 2) with carol gansers shitkit (to clean up the mess) $29.50

ever wish that you could take your kitchen junk drawer on the road with you but you didn't think it was practical?  we have the perfect solution!  we are  proud to introduce our fully portable  useless bag of shit from sack of shit systems (s.o.s.s) of highland heights.  when not busy looking for deals on flannel shirts and softball mitts,  s.o.s.s menployees pack a full 5 dollars worth of shit from garage sales, big lots, marcs, and trick-or-treat into a handy zip-up bag.  should your car ever go off the road and into a ditch, CALL FOR HELP ON YOUR CELL PHONE,  then simply unzip the simulated labia flaps, spread them open, and pass the time wondering how you got talked into paying 99 dollars for a box of q-tips and a glow stick. when the tow truck arrives, throw it up in the air to get their attention and you're on your way!   

useless bag of shit $99.00
useless bag of shit + peace management book $99.25

are you sick and tired of dykes shamelessly trying to sell you shady investments, cancer insurance, sacks of band aids, and other useless shit?  now you can fight back with dykeaway!  more effective than pepper spray, the mere sight of dykeaway causes confusion, nausea, and vomiting allowing you a fast and smooth getaway.  here's how it works:let's say a carpet muncher approaches you at an FOP Christmas party chomping on olives while drunkenly trying to lull you into her latest get-rich-quick scheme.  simply remove the dykeaway from its protective pouch and hold it in front of you, like a cross to a vampire, and watch the dyke immediately begin to sweat profusely and vomit.  pretend that you are going to get your useless bag of shit that you bought from her last week and disappear into the crowd.

*legal in all 50 states
*recommended by Dana LaRich 
*may also be used as bait in a mark joseph tra

dykeaway $12.99
coming soon: circumcised dykeaway 10% off!


tired of your friends having low self-esteem, thinking that the only way to be somebody is by being a cop?  show them how much you care with our new detective john wyckoff police impersonation kit.  we all know that highland heights PATROLMAN mark joseph gave civilian john wyckoff a highland heights detective badge and sent him out to do investigations on his behalf.  now your friends can too!  carefully masterminded by PATROLMAN joseph himself, this kit allows the recipient of this life changing gift to impersonate a police officer from any hillcrest area department.  be it from mayfield heights, lyndhurst, or even gates mills, imagine the surprise on the jigaboo's face when he answers the knock on his east cleveland door to find a genuine impersonator from your department!  this kit includes all you need to get the job done: 2 patches from each department, badge, and instructions on how to make periodic unexplained payments to PATROLMAN joseph, just like john wyckoff was doing!

*30 day suspension not included

*cannot be used to supplement richmond heights police layoffs

*not recommended for use with larry brazie panty or rome seagul sissypants

we all know that sinking feeling: you find out that the 25 year old college jock "brad" you've been aim-touching with is actually an angry midget from the  mayfield heights police department.  now you can tell the world with our i cybered with a midget panty.  start a conversation with your friends at that next girl scout campfire without saying a word. this panty will let them know that he touched himself while he coaxed you into touching yourself, all from the comfort and security of the police station.  since we have already sold hundreds of these, we know you will find sympathetic company wherever you drop your skirt.  made in the usa by modern midget.

just in time for ash wednesday, our timmy pitts "i'm fucking dead" ashtray is  the perfect place to park your nasty butts.  crafted of dime store melamine in classic red and white, this ashtray lets you be a hero without having to drive a police car off the highway and into a fence. 
dip your finger in it and put a stinky cross on your forehead, or reminisce the good old days with this baby on your desk; close your eyes, clutch your chest and pretend you're gasping your last breaths through a cheesey gin scented moustache while your final thought is whether or not people are going to find out you just fucked a dispatcher at your rental property in euclid!

accessory kit for the timmy pitts i'm fucking dead ashtray

hey we all know who is making this website, don't we?  now you can let everyone know that YOU know by sporting our new "i'm not telling" tee.  ready for action, work or play, our tee conceals easily under your uniform while the upper looks just like the regulation undergarment.  they'll never know by the shit-eating-grin on your face that between you and your vest is the finest in "fuck you" apparel!  and when you're done with your shift, you're instantly ready for your date with that slutty dispatcher where you'll find out how she really got the job!

stopping by to scam a cup of coffe but don't have a cup?  we have the perfect solution: the PATROLMAN Joseph stolen coffee mug!  whether you're stopping in to steal a cup of coffee, apple juice, or just a little water, be one of the boys and show your petty-thief pride with this heavy duty ceramic mug.

*fits most police car cupholders

note: won't fit in the bicycle water bottle holder

he's PATROLMAN Joseph's bestest buddy, marty the park retard.  now you can be too with our marty the park retart hat! slip this on for a bike ride and imagine the sheer bliss when you think everyone is your friend and there are no bad people in the world.  that's what will happen when you think you're retarded!  behold the possibilities when mark joseph sticks his penis in your face telling you it's a kazoo and he knows you don't have the capacity to tell an adult.  this hat will truly change your life-use with caution!

it's happened to the best of us: we drop our kids off at the joseph household for a play date only to find a bloody mess down there when we pick them up (and their underpants are clogging his hot tub drain).  now they can show others that they are not alone.  our "mark joseph molested me" fleece pullover lets the rest of the playground know that your child has also joined this not so exclusive club.

*available in xs and infant sizes only

be the envy of all your friends when you show up to work sporting this brand new fashion accessory by mark joseph designs!   hand made by captive missing children in the joseph basement, the rome seagul fag bag will keep all of your belongings neat and organized.  roomy interior pockets keep your ticket book and pepper spray smartly separated from your squeeze yogurt and fishnet t-shirts, so you're always ready for a day at work or a night on the town at the highland heights city park restroom glory hole.

*note: a portion of the proceeds will be used to feed the captive children

need something to go with your fag bag?  consider a pair of these smartly designed rome seagul sissypants!  these exciting capri's are made from genuine 80's style spandex by mark joseph designs.  With these sissypants you can say "i'm gay" without all the embarassment of your father shopping your album around town or having to hang out with PATROLMAN joseph.  the front panel has the classic rome seagul script and logo, while the rear tells everyone what you really want; "ride me like a pony"!

*available in mens petite sizes only

The last comments on this page:
Comment posted by Gresham, 12/18/2013 at 6:59am (UTC):
This is my first time i visit here. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one having all the leisure here! Keep up the good work.

Comment posted by Pope Benedict XVI, 02/17/2013 at 6:46pm (UTC):
The Timmy Pitts "I'm Fucking Dead" ashtrays came in handy for last week's Ash Wednesday services across at the vatican. Who knew that that piece of shit Timmy Pitts could be so useful?

Comment posted by:12/08/2009 at 5:00am (UTC)

I wanna see that sexy twink Robert Colombo wearing the Larry Brazie Panty in his cell

Comment posted by Larry Brazie, 03/05/2009 at 12:23pm (UTC):
Rome, we can trade panties if you will felch with me.

Comment posted by Rome Seagul, 03/04/2009 at 3:04am (UTC):
Can I get Larry Brazie to wear a pantie and then autograph it for me? I promise I will never wash out his wet spot!

Comment posted by Bill Gresham, 02/23/2009 at 6:08am (UTC):
I already have the cumplete line of sissypants and fag bags at my tavern, Le Vin du Cock on Coventry. BUTT, you can stop by my house if its closer for you sexyboys.

Comment posted by The Grid Nightclub, 02/22/2009 at 6:49pm (UTC):
How can we buy a few cases of fag bags and sissypants to sell in our club?

Comment posted by Keif Woodie, 02/22/2009 at 4:41am (UTC):
How can I git one of dem bags, Kin? It would be nice to use for my liquor and nitro pills down here

Comment posted by Dale Scabfelder, 02/21/2009 at 8:30pm (UTC):
When are you guys gonna come out with the Nora Joseph vibrator? My ass is longing for one

Comment posted by Mr. Whipple, 02/21/2009 at 8:53am (UTC):
Dicksucktive McKee, is your wife's book written on 2 ply paper?

Comment posted by Dicktecktive Suckee, 02/21/2009 at 3:29am (UTC):
Can you guys sell my wife's book on here? We have a whole bunch to get rid of because Half-Price Books sent them back because it wasn't selling.

Comment posted by ah so disappointed, 02/21/2009 at 1:18am (UTC):
me wish gift shoppe rearry worked

Comment posted by Mark Joseph, 02/20/2009 at 9:32pm (UTC):
Hi Marty I don't like fish, but you can buy a hat with the same sausage you let me lick in exchange for letting you turn on the siren

Comment posted by mArtY the pARk REtart, 02/20/2009 at 6:08am (UTC):
can i buy a hat with half a tuna fish sandwich?

Comment posted by Father Pat O'Phelia, 02/20/2009 at 3:33am (UTC):
Can I get some of the shirts monogrammed?

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